Tuesday, 22 August 2006

• Grief 08/22/06 2:30 am

  Grief

   

  It’s so hard to bear.

  There’s no explanation.

  It comes at random times,

  When you least expect it;

  Like in the car, waiting at the border,

  Listening to Avalon sing “I don’t want to go somewhere if I know that you’re not    there…”

  Or “I take each breath as if it is my last”

  Or “You were there, you were there…”

  Not even thinking of Miriam, but something sets me off

  Choking back the tears, smiling fakely so the border guard won’t wonder what’s wrong.

   

  The worst is at night

  I’m all alone, even though I share a room.

  Reading a book about friends, it suddenly hits me that I haven’t seen Mim in over a month.

  Tears fill my eyes, my nose starts running; I get that choked feeling in my throat and I start to sob.

  Not able to fully cry, the tears come in small streams.

  Frustrated because I can’t cry; just sob and tear.

  It feels like a good cry could make it better, but I know better; the feeling will come again tomorrow as sure as it did today.

   

  Slowly, Mim starts leaving my thoughts, and then suddenly, she’s there again, and the tears flow.

  No one to comfort me; praying that God will ease the pain, knowing He cares, but also knowing that the pain never goes away, it just slowly dulls.

  Never once wishing her back, because she’s so much better off, but crying for me, selfishly, but helplessly.

  Feeling guilty for being so upset when her family and very closest friend have it worse; praying God help them, while aching in pain myself.

  Feeling ashamed for it all, but hurting so badly.

  There’s no physical pain, but it’s there, more real than a knife, slicing my heart.

  Trying to be strong and move on, but how can I when it hurts so bad; and for me seems so unfair although I know it’s in God’s plans.

   

  A never ending poem because the pain and grief won’t stop in this life

  So for now, it’s good night, I’ll see you in the morning.

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